Utopia or Bust (al_aaraaf) wrote in trans_sensual,
Utopia or Bust

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hi there, I'm submitting this to alot of communities in the hope that I'll get like...any response. please bear with me as I'm confused, clueless, and uncomfortable about this whole subject. that said, I don't really know where to start, so I'll give a brief timeline:

toddlerhood - loathed dirt and noise, spoke early

around 6 years old - I started to notice how much I hated being lumped in with the 'boys', mostly because now that I'd started school they were getting seperated from the girls, and expected to be more physically active, and as I saw it, generally less emotional and/or intellectual, inasmuch as a kindergardener is intellectual. two things I remember about myself in kindergarden are that my best friends were all girls, the only male I remember I remember in the context of chasing boys with him, both of us trying to kiss them because we thought it was a fun game and that it was funny when they ran away. I also remember him in a pink feather boa and limp wristed, again around age 6. other than that, I could read before I even started school, and was absolutely obsessed both with anything to do with 'magic' and also with a childhood sort of mysticism. I remember whirling like a dervish and making up love songs to god. even then I was well aware I wished I could have long hair, talk and read instead of being forced into little league...that kind of thing.

between 6 and 13 - I moved, and had a progression of boys I called 'best friends', who I rarely spent much time with at all. as I hit puberty, which I did early, these turned into crushes. I assumed all good friends were basicly gay together, and that I just didn't have any good friends (I didn't). up till now I still go to my parents church, and several people, one man in particular, take note of my proclivity to spend more time with the girls and get mad at me for it.  I recall being forced to play basketball by a sunday school teacher.  what the hell that had to do with jesus is beyond me.  late during this period gay rights starts to make the news, or I get old enough to notice it.  I ask my mom what 'gay' means, and she tells me it means men who stick their penises in eachother's butts.  I don't believe I'd ever seen her go from calm to that mad for no apperent reason.  I realize from what I've seen on the internet that both she and the reporters are talking about people like me, and decide to pray about it.

7th grade through freshman year of college- because of my social awkwardness I've reverted to using my intellegence as an identity.  it's more or less all I'm known for.  I'm incredibly lonely, and when halfway through the year a boy transfers to the school from out of the country and turns up in 7 of my 8 classes, I latch myself on to him.  I end up falling for him horribly, he's straight, but in the process I come out to everybody, and also develop codependency.  he's an atheist, I become one for a month or so, and after having rejected my parents church I start a long process of experimentation in the occult, and end up where I am now...which is complicated.  to make it simple, I went from a closeted, conservative christian with straight As to an openly gay eclectic pantheist (I'm a practitioner of Candomble...which for all practical purposes is hinduism that happens to have appeared in brazil.  don't worry about it unless you're interested), and a three time drop out.
over the last couple of years, however, I've noticed a few things.  I have a tendency to identify less as a male than as someone who likes males.  I have a tendency to identify myself as a member of a third gender, not a male.  ever since I jokingly went in drag last halloween (the first excuse I had to do it) I can't help but notice that everyone was right when they said I had a woman's hips.  I would prefer, if it wouldn't involved being harassed to no end or feeling like everyone else thought there was something wrong with me, to wear women's clothes.  I'm not into 'glam', I do not want to look like a drag queen, and have a stage everywhere I go.  I would like to pass as a female and not get a second glance.  I love flowing skirts, earthy colors, and things of that nature...not leather hot pants and skimpy tank tops.  unfortunately, 'earthy' and 'drag' are practically oxymorons, and I'm so new and uncomfortable with all of this the last thing in the world I want to do is draw attention to the part of myself I'm most confused about.  on top of all this, while it was just a costume party, the first and last time I did drag everyone said I didn't pass at all.  when I'm not in drag, though, a friend says I look like a female hippy from behind, and several people have told me I'd be great for it...so I've gotten mixed signals, and I think they ammount to me not knowing how to do it right, as much as anything.  I'm at best androgynous, but more often I have people tell me they had no idea I was gay. 

aside from all this...I consider this a spiritual thing.  well, I consider everything a spiritual thing and this is no exception.  reading about 'two-spirits', hijras, and 'born-eunuchs' makes me glad, and also frustrates me to no end, because I can read about people who do EXACTLY what I want to do, but every culture that has a niche for us seems to be dead or dying.  does anybody have any suggestions...advice, tips for passing for female...hell I'll take anything.  remember, I look like a man, albiet one with small wrists, slightly larger than average hips, and longer than shoulder length hair, but as it is I'm a long way from passing for female...or dealing with the fact that I want to be able to.

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